I keep thinking that I´m not living my life. It is a weird sensation, kind of an emptiness. Something that is always there but I´m not always able to feel. It goes and comes and it doesn´t depend on whether I´m happy or not, it just appears and makes me want to get drunk and do crazy things, it makes me want to be YOUNG.
I was 21 going on 22 and that thought was up in my head, filling all my actions, flying over me and threatening my life as I knew it.
I started doing unusual things. Going out every day, making “friends” every night, waking up with a terrible hang-over in others house. I ate just when I was so terribly hungry that I woke up at night biting my nails, my stomach thundering with hunger. On the other hand I´ve never been thinner… well, this cinism comes from that time too. I am the same person, only the things have found its place now. I´m back in my old life, safe and sound.
I woke up lying on a narrow and too soft mattress and the room was shaking. “Oh, god, I have to stop drinking” but when my feet touched the floor I realised the room was actually moving, and, “wait a minute, where am I?”. I walked towards the window to discover a landscaped lined in green and brown with the speed. I managed to find the bed again and I sat down, some minutes later the speed decreased and within 15 minutes stopped. My eyes widened, fear filling up my mind, I was in a train, somewhere in the middle of France.